This is my testimony to a God who is so very alive and redeeming lives for His Glory. I had the opportunity to share this at our church last weekend. The Truth that changed my heart and that is spoken at the end of my testimony largely comes from a ministry at Mars Hill Church in Seattle, Washington called Redemption Groups. Much comes from a book, Redemption as well as teachings from several Mars Hill Pastors. May God receive total glory. He is good.
I’m so excited for this opportunity to share with you—not only my story, but more importantly the great compassion and healing of my Savior. Until three weeks ago, I have shared my story with only a handful of people. Paul and I were blessed to attend training in Seattle for Redemption Groups—something you will hear a lot about over the next year. On the last night of the training, I was asked to share my story with the entire group of 120 participants. When we returned home from Seattle, I was asked to write my story anonymously to be published in a book written to survivors of sexual abuse about the great hope of healing in Jesus Christ. Around the same time, Paul asked me to prayerfully consider sharing my story in all of the services here at Calvary. God immediately confirmed in my heart that He was asking me to do this. As the time grew closer to this morning, I frequently asked God if He really meant me… Paul’s the pastor, not me. Again, He graciously confirmed that He did mean me. It is incredible that God can be so glorified through a story of pain, abuse and sin. That’s how incredible our Redemptive Savior is.
I was blessed to be born to parents who love the Lord. I grew up attending church regularly and even went to a Christian school. I accepted Christ as my Savior at an early age. I truly did realize my true need for a Savior. However, I developed a companion early on that was not of the Lord. My companion was shame. I had a great family and many friends, yet I always felt that there was something wrong with me. I had two brothers—whom I dearly love. However, growing up, I often felt left out—not really having many common interests. In elementary school, I was totally into music that my parents and grandparents listened to. I absolutely loved the Gaither Vocal Band and 4 Him. As an 8 year old, this was just not cool. As silly as this sounds, it reinforced the shame that was growing in my heart. In school, I was friendly with everyone. It probably appeared I was everyone’s friend. However, at that time in my life, I had quite a dislike for girls. I hated the drama and constant belaboring of the boys they liked and the new outfits they had. I was more drawn to friendships with guys. I played sports constantly and had so much fun with them. Yet, I didn’t feel like I really had a place with them either. I thought there must be something wrong with me that kept me from fitting in anywhere. This sense of shame was taking over, though I would have never identified it as shame at the time.
As a teenager, this sense of shame began to be about my body. I struggled with my body image and bulimia. I knew God cared about my struggle, so I talked with a few folks in my youth group. Having not really struggled with this issue, they introduced me to a married woman in her mid-thirties who had battled anorexia and bulimia. She had been involved in our church for many years. In our initial friendship, I felt understood. However, soon after our friendship began, the emotional manipulation started and got heavy very quickly. She told me that she was the only one who could really help me. After a rocky year of friendship, she molested me for the first time. I was devastated. She told me I couldn’t tell anyone because people would think it was my fault. She told me if anyone found out, her life would be ruined. She cried and told me how much she needed me and how lost she would be without me. She used Scripture to validate the way she felt about me. She promised never to do it again, but it happened repeatedly. My adolescent mind was totally unable to understand what was happening. The shame that entered into my life at this point was unrivaled. The cycle of molestation, lies and emotional and spiritual manipulation repeated itself over two years. It was a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. If I was unsure before, I now knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was something very, very wrong with me. Her words made it clear. Her actions made it extraordinarily clear. Praise God, he stepped in to rescue me from the heinous sin of this woman.
Yet where was God in this? She grossly misrepresented Him to me. If God was on her side, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with Him. Satan was quick to remind me that I did, after all go to God asking for help in the first place by turning to church leaders. It seemed as though He delivered me directly into the hands that abused and devastated me. I was separated from the very One who would be my Hope and bring healing. My sinful response to the unimaginable sin of another person was one of self-protection and independence from God and all people.
Despair and shame were my only companions. Satan loved this. I feasted on his lies for years leading to deeper hopelessness. The only relief I could imagine was death. This despair and shame had a numbing effect on my soul. At moments I felt deep depression and brokenness. Tears literally were my only food. At other times, it was like I could feel nothing. In these moments, I would cut my arms just to feel something. I wanted tangible pain. I longed for real hope. I hungered for a true Savior.
Shame truly became my way of life. I didn’t know life any different. The only way I can describe my life of shame is that I was frozen inside of an ice-cube. As days passed, the ice-cube grew larger, safely guarding me from those around me and from my Savior. People could still see me and I could still relate to people. I became adept at allowing people to think they knew me while staying safely distanced. This ice-cube left my soul weary, my heart embittered and every part of me disillusioned. From the inside looking out, this ice gave me a very distorted lens through which I viewed everything. I hated myself for the sin someone committed against me. I saw God’s Word as a source of bondage—for she used Scripture to justify the wrong she committed against me. This shame that enslaved me manifested itself as feelings of depression, despair and hopelessness. I believed that I was as whole as I would probably ever be.
That was just another lie from Satan that I chose to believe. Satan lured me with deception. I CHOSE to be deceived. He was quick to remind me of what had happened to me and tell me that I was worthless, ruined, and damaged beyond repair. That’s not the truth. The truth is that there IS something very deeply wrong with me—beginning with my OWN sinful heart— and I need an even deeper remedy. That remedy is my Savior Jesus Christ. Even after the abuse was over, I found myself so full of shame asking God “Are you serious? Is this it? You brought me out of that into a life of total shame and isolation?” My bitterness towards God continued. “If I’m really free and forgiven, if you have really delivered me from this horrible darkness ushered in by the sin of another person, why do I feel so broken?” 2 Corinthians 5:17 tells me that the old has passed away and the new has come, but I certainly didn’t feel it. I was carrying around the shame from what had passed away—my own sin and others’ sin. Here’s the truth I was rejecting: Jesus Christ died for me. He took what was intended to be the most shameful death and was completely victorious over it. He took that shame and put it right back at our enemy. This shame does not belong to me. Colossians 2:15 is awesome. Jesus put our enemy to open shame.
The glory of the Gospel is that it is full of shameful stories rewritten. God’s glory so far outweighs the deepest shame we carry. The cross in Jesus’ day was so shameful. No one spoke of it. Yet today, although that fact of the shameful crucifixion remains, we sing about it every Sunday. The most beautiful picture to me is this. When Jesus appeared to the disciples after His resurrection, they asked Him to prove He was Jesus. He could have done anything to prove His identity. Yet, He opened His hands and showed the wounds from His most shameful moment. The wounds remained. Yet the meaning was far from shameful. These wounds were healed and shouted victory and glory. So Satan may continue to remind me of the abuse or my sinful heart, but I can proclaim in full victory that those are marks of redemption. I can tell you my story today and share Satan’s many attempts to destroy me. He tried to kill me, tempting me to end my life. He tried to destroy my marriage before it even started telling me Paul could never really love me and he certainly couldn’t be trusted. He tried to extinguish my compassion for others, steal my joy and rob me of every good gift I had been given. See what Evil tried to do to me? Now look at my redemptive scars. My sin, shame and guilt have been dealt with once and for all. That is the Truth. I stand before you as a new creation. I have a new name. I AM HIS.
Without having the right view of what Jesus’ death means for me and what it means to live as His child, I had no victory. I always knew the Gospel. I heard all of the Bible verses about being God’s daughter and the joy and peace that comes from Him. It was all so empty to me. I did not believe it could be true for me. It is true. I want you to hear no matter what pain, guilt and shame you might face that it is real. I still fail, I remember the abuse, my circumstances are not perfect and life is just unexplainably hard sometimes. But this, this is what I cling to. Jesus Christ died for me. He experienced more shame than I will ever know.
The rejection and pain He experienced for me was incredible. His love for me is deeper than my deepest failure. And YET Scripture refers to His death as a ‘bruised heel.’ In Jesus’ death, Satan’s head was crushed and Jesus’ heel was bruised. I will never out suffer Jesus. Therefore my suffering does not give Satan victory. My heel is just bruised. This is not intended to minimize my pain and suffering but to maximize God’s beauty, perfection, love and kindness. Even in my bruised heel and in yours, God weeps. His love and compassion towards us is so great. His glory outshines your deepest shame. His forgiveness outweighs your deepest and darkest sin. His love extends past your every failure. I never imagined I would be so desperate to share with you who Jesus Christ is. I always knew I was saved and that I would be in Heaven for eternity. But there is so much more than that. That is what I want you to hear. There is victory to be had TODAY. By the grace of God alone, I am beginning to know Jesus Christ and live with Him. He is real and makes a real difference.
Beautifully Broken 